These coping strategies, so far, by trying to hide, fix and fail on each attempt just makes you so small and does not allow you to realize your amazingness.
I wonder if you are willing to talk to yourself about the truth regarding this relationship. There are so many things you might have to come to terms with in order to solve the dilemma of "how to make this a better relationship". You must speak to yourself with the truth. Only this will help your confusion because you will start honoring your voice and your needs. This inner voice will guide your path if you trust it. Once you start doing this work and speaking yourself with the truth, you rehearse it with someone who will listen with no judgement. Speak your truth to others, including your partner. I think that is what psychotherapy is about, a space to speak from within about this confusing relationship, but also a space to speak about the confusing relationship you end up having with yourself. This is hard work but I promise it will be full of gratifying moments long term. We will detangle the spider web and you will start seeing things with a little more clarity and make strong well-balanced decisions for yourself. I am here for when you decide to talk.