Blog Posts

Freedom Over Fear

1/31/2017

Being from a minority group makes life a little harder to navigate than for the privileged counterpart. You are not clearly represented in the groups you work or belong. The prototypes of beauty are not similar to people like you. The stories portrayed in school books or movies do not contain your story. A particular religious practice is blatantly favored in schools but yours is not anywhere to be seen or even mentioned. Food is seen as a souvenir, yet those foreigners who make them are seen as “less than”. But their food is good! There are so many ways in which being a minority can be difficult. However, it can make it even more challenging when politicians and leaders target groups like yours. This is a denial and prohibition to embrace who you are and one of the ultimate acts of rejection a minority group can experience to their sense of self.

In today’s political climate, many who have already experienced daily microaggressions (due to their country of origin, ethnicity, skin color, religion and spiritual practices, sexual orientation or gender expression and identity), might feel like everything they have signaled as discrimination is now manifested in its greatest form. It is a nightmare coming true. The challenge still remains as many cannot perceive their privilege even when its blatantly obvious and offensive. If these acts of exclusion are going unnoticed, condoned without consequences, met with celebration and conquer and treated as a political taboo not to be discussed, how can you expect to feel safe?

As you try to wrap your mind around these recent political events, fear and hopelessness can take over. The question of, “What is next?”, might become your mantra and the ideal of freedom and equality for all might succumb to a mere fantasy. I say, “Don’t succumb to fear”. Our ancestors here and abroad fought difficult battles in order to leave us a little better than they were once. We certainly have a lot of work to do but have had many victories and celebrations. Many of our mentors are not with us anymore because they passed away or we departed ways, but they still left in us the essence of the fight and resistance we need to have amidst adversity.

I propose that at those times of fear, rage and disbelief, to hold into the memory of the many who helped you to be here today fighting for freedom, liberty and justice. Hold into the memory of those who inspire you. Their presence remains here with you as you hold your ground. Stay in touch with your feelings and notice them as what they are, your way of coping with the unknown, rather than a feeling that controls you....And speak up.

Speak up and trust your words will be heard
by those who need to hear your voice for their own healing,
by those who will learn it is heroic to speak up in spite your fear.

Speak up and trust your words will be heard
            by those who still get uncomfortable with your bravery
            by those who still feel you have no right to do so

Speak up and trust your words will be heard
and our voices together will echo the fact that
we are different and unique
            and that is a good thing

Speak up and trust your words will be heard
and treasured by ancestors and past generations
who would have loved to see what you have become
what you have accomplished
in spite of...in spite of.

“Continue to embrace the things that make you unique, even if it makes others uncomfortable....And whenever you feel in doubt, whenever you want to give up, you must always remember to choose freedom over fear.” –Janelle Monae

The Crying and Mourning of the World

12/1/2016

I am in touch with the crying and mourning of this world
coming across as a helpless presidential vote
hoping to create a fantastic place
of peace, acceptance and love.

I am in touch with the sadness and rage of this world
as fights among us disrupts our souls
feeling others’ blatant ideologies
as betrayals to the human soul

I am in touch with the helplessness of this world
the walking with uncertainty
the looking at the other with suspiciousness
the not knowing
the “and now what?”
the blaming foreigners for our misery
the oppressing and labeling the neighbor
and not calling it hate
the thinking that my wellbeing
should walk along minorities disgrace
because you deserve it
because you are below soil
because you are less than human
assuring us
a future of turmoil
predicted by the witches, the bible and shamans

I am in touch with the dark force of this world
as days pass along the shores
of a dreamy fantastic better world
for our children and ourselves

I see the pain of humanity
when we devote our hopes
in world leaders who are supposed
to take our lives from misery and pain
and dramatically change it
to freedom and hope.
And in seeing our naivety
and blind illusory faith
in government, leaders and saviors
hope becomes a shooting star
flying across the sky
fast enough to barely catch its spark.

I am holding the pain of the world
for its failure to protect one another
for its failure to protect
for its failure to live up to the expectation
for its failure to believe leaders
and retaliate their failures
against the most vulnerable.

I am holding humanity’s pain but also its failure
to turn its pain into action of love
but self-destruction.

I am in touch with your pain, with your misery,
with your darkness, with your sadness and anger.
I am holding it with you.
But I also hold you accountable and responsible
for the hopes devoted in leaders
who scapegoat those who,
if left unprotected have no way to defend themselves.
I hold you accountable for every tear of suffering.
I hold you accountable.

I am in touch with the crying mourning of this world
All of it
Not only one side.
I hold it all and is heavy
I invite you to hold and carry humanity’s pain
with me.

Instead of trying to escape from it
Numb, turn your gaze or displace it into others
I invite you to feel it.
Feel it with me.

Hoping,
after seeing oppression and discrimination
so openly blatant at its face,
at the words of political leaders,
this being the last time
we deny how others are suffering.

Hoping we stop hoping for them
to transform our lives
with a single vote
every four years.

Hoping that by holding this pain
we create a fantastic world ourselves
and not leave it to the hands of leaders.

Hoping we create hope right in front of us
without the need of retaliation,
but amending what is broken,
healing with words and actions
of compassion and love.

Hoping carrying this pain
brings all of us to understand
that we need to be here
not every four years
but every single day
in every way
in every step of the way
for one and other.

Exploring Our Inner Weather Forecast

10/28/2016

There are times when we look at the sky to check the weather of our lives, and it seems uncertain. The clouds cover the lights of hope. The white sprinkles of snow do not let us look at what is in front of us with clarity. The cold wind freezes our heart desire from moving forward to embrace our future. All signs seem to tell us it is not worth the fight and our bodies succumb to fear and disappointment. The strategies to feel better seem useless when encountering the worst of our hopelessness. In front of all this gloomy forecast, we wonder if the sun will ever rise. One day, we wake up with the idea and desire to feel better. We seat and breathe in front of the glass window waiting for the sun to salute to us.

We know that when life forecast hit us hard, we are not even hoping to try what have been said would help us feel better. However, it is not until we decide to share in connection with others that we notice a change for the better. If talking about our experience is too difficult and overwhelming, maybe we can open our hearts to this new experience called yoga. Maybe it is time to breathe and open our arms, to be receptive in the middle of our already feelings of vulnerability. Some students have mentioned memories have come to their minds while practicing yoga helping them find out the reason behind those hard to express feelings; while others have been able to use the yoga practice to embrace their story and connect it to their feelings. Others have said yoga has helped them be more authentic and to find out who they really are. Life just begins to make much more sense.

We might want just to sit and breathe and check in with our body. It will give us a wealth of information about how we feel. We ought to try to allow ourselves to feel our bodies as we breathe and maybe become more in touch with ourselves. We might find ourselves moving with the flow of the class and enjoying our bodies for the first time. We might struggle with being present but then experience the guidance of a yoga teacher reminding us just to bring our minds back to the here and now. We might end the class with a feeling of peacefulness, and we might want to find ways to stretch this good enough feeling throughout the rest of the day.

The sky might still be gray. The snow might still be an obstacle to seeing what is in front of us. However, we learn not to freeze anymore by utilizing the self-awareness we have already gained. As we open our arms and breathe, we change the patterns we have created in our bodies as a result of sadness and fear. We can now hope the sun will always rise.

Surviving an Abusive Relationship

9/30/2016

Living in and surviving an abusive relationship is very difficult. On one side, you know you are not treated well and wish to have a better relationship. On the other side, you do not know how to make this "better relationship" happen! Creating the relationship you want becomes a daunting task because it is like detangling a confusing spider web. You get confused by all the messages you hear from your partner, which makes you believe the abuse you receive is your fault. You begin to believe it actually is because, otherwise, you would not be treated so badly. In an effort to solve that which you think is your fault, you try to work things out, fix things or pretend things are not really happening so that you do not have to deal with the reality of your pain. On top of that, you try to work it out on your own without the help of others to avoid they figure out about your unpopular choice to stay with your abusive partner. You do not want anyone to see you in the same way you sometimes feel: dumb, fool or taken advantage of every time your partner does it again and again. You feel that if they were to found out how you were treated, they would think for real you are provoking it or that you are really a fool.

These coping strategies, so far, by trying to hide, fix and fail on each attempt just makes you so small and does not allow you to realize your amazingness.

I wonder if you are willing to talk to yourself about the truth regarding this relationship. There are so many things you might have to come to terms with in order to solve the dilemma of "how to make this a better relationship". You must speak to yourself with the truth. Only this will help your confusion because you will start honoring your voice and your needs. This inner voice will guide your path if you trust it. Once you start doing this work and speaking yourself with the truth, you rehearse it with someone who will listen with no judgement. Speak your truth to others, including your partner. I think that is what psychotherapy is about, a space to speak from within about this confusing relationship, but also a space to speak about the confusing relationship you end up having with yourself. This is hard work but I promise it will be full of gratifying moments long term. We will detangle the spider web and you will start seeing things with a little more clarity and make strong well-balanced decisions for yourself. I am here for when you decide to talk.

On the Fascinating Olympic Games and Other Life Lessons...

8/30/2016

For those of us who love sports, we succumbed to the temptation of following the Olympic Games taking place in Rio de Janeiro. I confess being taken away by the precision, attention to details, discipline but even more by all the emotions displayed by athletes from different parts of the world. I realized one more time emotions are a universal experience we are all very well familiar with. I was touched by athletes’ happiness, sorrow and joy. I reacted to their victories as well as to their disappointments. I guess, there are things we might not have in common with athletes, but there is certainly a human experience that cannot be missed and that is our identification with universal feelings.

I think the Olympic Games touches so many sensitive areas within us. We all need others' affirmations highlighting our goodness and competence. We want to be seen by others in the most real way either as having success as an individual or as part of a dedicated team. We want our stories of identification with cultural, ethnic or personal values to be seen by the rest of the world as a sign that we do matter.

Athletes also try to avoid feelings of failure by trying to win every challenge. They, however, have to overcome many losses before they can win a game. Many of these Olympians expressed very openly these feelings of frustration and loss on camera. Failing to win a competition at the Olympic Games is so public and experienced by everyone as it is broadcasted to the entire world.

It is through competition that many doubts surface their consciousness regarding being good enough wondering if others have the capability to see their competence. While on the race track, the tennis court or the swimming pool, there is no other choice for athletes but to face the challenges, trust themselves and jump into the water. The fear of the unknown is not enough to hold them back from facing it because it is the only way they know they will win.

Aren't all these issues similar to what we have to face in life? We want to be seen and mirrored. We want to overcome our challenges, although, sometimes we are not sure if we want to face them. We want to avoid feelings of loss and failure. We want to win every single life battle. We later leave disappointed when we do not win as we wished. We get impatient with ourselves because we do not see results. We do not realize that it will take a long journey in order to attain what we are looking for. The real lesson for me, however, is the fact that we are all on the court playing in this life looking for life medals. In the meantime, we face disappointments and joys. One emotion is not better than the other. They are all part of the human experience and they need to be received with open arms. The value of the game is not the goal but the process. The real medal is to realize we all have been shaped by this game of life and to be able to experience all of it fully and deeply.

Picture Source Corbi Images

A Guest House

7/28/2016

The human being is a guest house
Every morning there is a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they are a crowd
of sorrows, who violently sweep
your
house
and empty it from its furniture
still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out for
some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame,
the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes
because each has been sent as a
guide from beyond.

-Jelaluddin Balkhi Rumi

Taken from Intensive Psychotherapy
for Persistent Dissociative Process:
The fear of feeling real by Richard A. Chefetz

Holding Our Intuition’s Hand: A Love Poem

6/30/2016

“Belief consists in accepting the affirmations of the soul;
unbelief, in denying them.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Check this poem at Rebelle Society!

Intuition, why do we question you so much?
Wouldn’t life be easier if we make you our best friend?
Wouldn’t it be easier to embrace you, love you, nurture you
and give you the benefit of the doubt?
Wouldn’t you keep us away from trouble,
heartaches, headaches and stomachaches?

Why not opening our heart to your advice?
You have proven to be right every time.
Why not opening the door and invite you
to sit at the dinner table?
There, we could have an honest conversation.
You can tell us how far sometimes we try
to run away from ourselves.
You can tell us how to ground ourselves
and stay in touch with our own advice.
You can show us the art of listening and
attuning to our needs, to trust our voice,
to let our best judgment flow
and tell us
the path that is right for us.

We could cry together about life.
We could laugh until late at night
about the ways we handled our past,
that which life brought to our hands.

Intuition, why not listening to you?
You are that gentle, nurturing but firm voice.
Your presence has been with us
during times of turmoil and lack of control.
But, amidst chaos,
have we noticed your presence at all?

Intuition, how much do you know us?
You grew inside like a small and tiny seed
since those naïve and daring young days.
You have witnessed hurt and sorrow
through every life disappointment,
becoming strong and wise,
getting to know us
as the palm of your hand.
But the clouds of life silenced you many times.
The turmoil and loud noises swallowed your voice.
And the outsiders’ voices diminished your greatness.

Intuition, do you deserve this abandonment?
Do you deserve this lack of acknowledgement?
Do you deserve being questioned one more time?

Intuition, why not opening ourselves to you?
Because some time ago
We learned our voice had no worth
We learned our opinion had no weight
We learned that in order to grow
painfully grow
we had to listen deep within
and we do not want to be in pain.

But you persist and stay with us hopeful and eager to help,
in spite of our neglectful manners toward you again.
You remain grounded with your feet planted on solid earth
waiting for us to come back to find ourselves again.
You witness our sorrow but know the wiser way to avoid
falling into new disappointments and despair
one more time.

There is one thing we need to learn from you.
We need to learn to discern your voice from the crowd.
We need to learn to notice your voice when it gets confused
with that voice that self punishes, invalidates and distorts our view.
We need to attune our hearing to the clever sound of your voice.
We need to imagine all the possible turns our lives can take
If we commit to you
If we see you as our greater companion
If we acknowledge no one has greater wise advice
than the one that comes from you.

Intuition, you have been waiting for us to return,
and here we are, opened, eager and decided!
We are decided to give you the place you deserve in our lives.
We raise our hands in front of you promising loyalty
We etch your words in stone
We record your words in our heart
We will create a song that reminds us of you
We will talk about you to family and friends
We will be eager to sit with you every day
close our eyes and listen,
practice listening,
until we get used to the gentle, loving tone
of your voice.

This is our love poem to you, intuition.
I hope you accept our pledge for forgiveness
for leaving you.
I wish you receive and stay with us.
This is our chance to know what we are made of.
Intuition of our life, we hold your hand
really loving you and trusting you again.

“Intuition is always right in at least two important ways.
It is always in response to something.
It always has your best interest at heart”
―Gavin de Becker

Prince...The Show Must Go On?

5/30/2016

As I watched Madonna’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards honoring Prince’s life, I reflected about the energy of the audience. It was as if the audience took a moment to pause. It was a calm energy maybe filled with memories of that artist we loved and idealized. Maybe the audience carried the aspirations, dreams and unfolding life of someone so close to them but later seeing his light slowly shutting down completely. The show must go on, many say in the entertainment industry. However, Prince’s death reminds us that the show either has an end or must pause. It is a reminder of how fragile life is and about our own existential limitations. It is a reminder of life mysterious way of letting us shine within a time frame. We all have a time frame, but how do we want to spend it? What are our priorities in this life and how do we make space for it? How do we want to be remembered? What do we want to give to others in this present life? And, are we aware of the impact we have on others?

Although the entertainment industry wants to force us to keep on with the show, I believe we need time to pause to meditate on the loss we have experienced. When we grief, we do not only grief about the person we lost but about the part of ourselves that is gone. We slowly need to mend ourselves and reconfigure our inner pieces to accommodate it to the current reality that our inner favorite artist is no longer with us but all that he represents will remain present.

To really honor those we have lost, we need to be willing to sit, pause and take a long deep breath to feel the sorrow and pain of their absence in our lives. Do not run away from sorrow. The show should not go on without this process of grief. Let’s turn off the lights and our public performance and take time to mourn. You and the person you lost deserve it.

Loving You To Pieces

4/22/2016

It is hard to come to terms with love
that strange feeling you did not experience
nor felt when everybody else seemed to know it well.
That strange feeling you hear you were supposed to receive
but you feel like you never did
or at least you did not receive it enough.
That weird feeling others show to each other
but you do not even know how to be with.
That absurd feeling of noticing how others
like and love you more than you do to yourself.
That strange, weird and absurd feeling of love.

Wipe your tears away and see with more clarity
How love surrounds you
How love holds you
How love heals

Wipe your tears away so you can see love
At your doorstep waiting to be seen
Waiting for acknowledgment
Waiting for an invitation
from you to come in

Wipe your tears away and take a few breathes in
As you resist the idea of running away from love
As you plan your next clever escape
from loving yourself
As you sabotage yourself
again
in loveless temptation

Wipe your tears away and stay present with love
Create space to feel the love from others
Very deep within
breathe in love

Stay with it, get to know it, feel it
Feel it’s flavor and texture
Feel it’s intensity and generosity
Feel the way back to sanity
By the way of the love you deserve

Resist the fear of love
I wonder about those who taught you to fear it?
I wonder about those who taught you this bad lesson?
Tell me who were those who didn’t understand love?
Who said you didn’t deserve it?
And, please, grieve their lies of loveless love

Let yourself be loved by Life
Let yourself be loved by Earth
Let yourself be loved by Fire
Let yourself be love by the Universe
Let yourself be loved by those
who have countless times proven to you
Unconditional Love

Wipe your tears away
every time you reject love
because you cry deep within
every time you don’t give yourself the chance
every time you whisper to yourself
that you don’t deserve it
in spite of having loved
and longed for love

You know betrayal and lies
You know defeat and shame
You know pain and sorrow
You know very well how it feels
When you aren’t loved
So your doors are closed to love
Since you are too busy with the familiar
loveless and fear

It can be painful to receive
that which is unknown
It can be terrifying to love life
with open wings
It might prove you wrong
again
about you not deserving love
And it might be right about
how much you are loved
And how much you have invested
in your own unworthiness

Wipe your tears away
and know it is going to be hard
but open your eyes and see a new reality
open your eyes and see that
See that
You are loved by many
You are loved to pieces
You are loved

Singing from a Raging Heart: Rape Trauma Survivors and Lady Gaga

3/2/2016

0 Comments

ladygaga: never thought anyone would ever love me because I felt like my body was ruined by my abuser. But he loves the survivor in me. He's stood by me all night proud and unashamedly....

Lady Gaga took center stage at this year’s Oscars when she performed to a standing ovation a song about sexual assault. Her courage to sing about this topic highlights the trauma of rape and the wounds it produces on those who survive such horrific experience. In her lyrics she denounces, “until it happens to you, you wont know how it feels” challenging the world to really sympathize with survivors’ pain. As she performed, I sensed a particular rage in her tone I have witnessed countless of times in survivors when they share their stories in the confidential space of my office. I have been told many stories of what happened and how no one seems to “get it.” I have listened anger to their strong statements of feeling invalidated. I have witnessed their wounds and pain of carrying a heavy story inside that seems to affect every single part of who they are. On top of all of that, they blame themselves.

Why they blame themselves? If no one seems to “get it,” maybe it means they are responsible for it.

No one seems to understand the humiliation of the “get yourself together” type of comment for a survivor of rape trauma. Friends, family, doctors, police, agency workers and therapists who do not get the complexity of the experience are also responsible for the perpetuation of shame and trauma in the life of survivors. And yet, after the minimization of their traumatic experience, they are not given permission either to be angry and express it in light of what happened. So Lady Gaga says, “Till it happens to you, you won’t know how I feel!” offering a venue, a release and permission for survivors to express their rage not only to the perpetrator but to a blind, dismissive and accomplice world. The song reminds survivors that, “It is not your fault.”

When survivors come to me for help and they begin to shed the layers of guilt and understand it was not their fault, we begin to create together a space for inner growth, strength and power. When survivors come to my office and suddenly have a space to express their rage and pain, they begin to take ownership of their story without shame. Life begins to make more sense. Together we begin to mend the broken pieces with understanding.

I really love Lady Gaga for giving survivors permission to feel their rage and permission for not taking the blame in any longer. I am not a neutral therapist about this matter. We can’t be neutral bystanders. I take up a position about this and I love it.

Psss...! Check Lady Gaga's video here.